Bethany-newborn angel

 

"My Little Angel" Bethany“My Little Angel” Bethany Marie

 

Bethany’s Message ~ ~ ~
True love never dies…
Take time to smell the roses…
Life is precious, Live it with passion…
Children are sweet blessings… given by God.  They are His; not ours!
The most important thing in life is…children, family, friends…

Written by Susan I. Holsinger, Mother of Bethany Marie Holsinger

 

Angel Bethany Marie Holsinger
Daughter of Philip and Susan Holsinger
Born March 26, 1983
Cherishing the short time we held her in our arms
and touching our hearts forever… Now in eternity with Jesus ~

Turning Tragedy into Triumph…

Lemons into Lemonade…

Becoming Better not Bitter…

From Pain to Peace again after my baby died…

You just don’t think about this happening to you….

In an ideal world babies just don’t die…they live…and grow.
They smile and grin and coo, crawl and walk and learn to talk.

Babies…our children…they are a part of our lives, they are a part of us no matter whether they were here a short time or an extended time.
Our love for them goes beyond the pain of death to the joy and anticipation of seeing them again…
True love never dies…
Love is the greatest of all.
True Love will bring us all together by and by.
The love I had for my Bethany was at times a blessing and a curse…but hey…I’m getting a little ahead of my story here.


It’s a beautiful spring day March 26, 1983 and we are on our way to the hospital but I am not in labor…YET!
I’m excited!

I know I will see my baby today and yet I confess I am feeling a little apprehensive ’cause I’ve never had a baby before….

 

I comment to my husband Philip that our lives will never be the same again because very soon we will have a brand new baby!
He looks at me and smiles!

The whole extended family is very excited and impatiently waiting!
This is our first baby and both of our parents first grand baby.
These factors seem to add to the level of anticipation…
I am glad it is actually happening since I am 2 weeks overdue.
I’ve been pretty uncomfortable the past 3 weeks but we decided not to tell our families about the plan to induce my labor today.

We sign in at the hospital and get situated.
The Doctor comes in and breaks my water and then we start walking up and down the halls to get things going.
We find a room with a ping pong table and since I love to play ping pong we play a couple games.
My labor progresses normally…everything is going very smoothly…contractions start getting closer and closer together.

The next thing I know at 8:44 pm. I am cradling our baby in my arms for the first time.
I hear a soft cry as I gaze with wonder into my daughter’s eyes for the first time.
I am ecstatic…she is sooo very perfect!

Welcome Bethany Marie!

I am a Mother…and it feels like I’ve just died and gone to heaven!
Look at her black curly hair…and she has so much!
Oh, look…her eyes are open!
It seems like only a second I hold her close to me before I reluctantly let the nurse take her so she can do what nurses do. She insists they will give her right back!
If I had known then what I know now…well…it wouldn’t have changed the outcome.
It was a good thing I did not know this would be the one and only time I would look into her eyes and hear her gentle cries.
The memory of holding her these few short minutes is a memory I will treasure until I see her again and can hold her all I want with nothing to separate us ever again.

The brand new Daddy (Philip) has already found the phone and is spreading the good news.  He talks to his Mother first.
She is delighted to have a granddaughter.
She had 4 boys!
She is also pleased to discover her first granddaughter shares her middle name, Marie.
Philip tells me my parents aren’t home so he is talking to my sister and his brothers.
Except…
WAIT A MINUTE…
Is something wrong?!
The nurse is concerned…she says something is wrong….
What could be wrong?!


I watch in disbelief as all of a sudden things are happening way too fast!
What did you say?
They are taking my baby WHERE?
To the neo-natal unit?!!
Why?!!
No one answers…
No one knows what’s wrong…
But SOMETHING is VERY wrong….

 

A nurse comes to our room and gets Philip.
The Doctor in the neo-natal unit wants to talk to him…

I feel so alone!
I am afraid….
But surely…surely everything will be ok?
Babies don’t just die without a good reason anymore!!

Philip is not gone long but it seems like an eternity….
The minute he walks through the door I know Bethany is going to die…
Even though he didn’t say a single word yet…..
I just know….

I am stunned…
I am speechless…
I am….
I don’t know what I am…..
I just know one thing and that’s this…
I do not want to accept what I know in my heart is the truth…
That truth hurts too much to even think about…
That truth is I know my baby is not going to live!

Thoughts are swirling around in my head and it seems like I am in a really bad dream and everything is in slow motion…

Philip tells me then that something is wrong…
She isn’t getting “pink”…
They don’t know why….
He tells they are doing everything they can to save her life…

Oh dear Lord, no!…
I do not want to think about this…
I feel like I’m on a merry go round and want desperately to find a way to get off!
My body is quivering with unshed tears and unspoken emotions.
That’s when I finally have the presence of mind to pray.

Together we pray Lord, please, please, please, please save our baby!
We pour our hearts out to the Father…
We tell Him how much we want to keep Bethany with us…
Then we pray for His will to be done…

Even though we pray for His will to be done what we really mean is Lord, don’t take our baby!
We just got her!
We want to get to know her.
We want to see her grow up, learn to walk and talk, and see her personality.
We want to know who she’ll look like.
Don’t take her now, Lord, please don’t take her now!!

Our heavenly Father knew our hearts, He heard our cries.
It seemed as if time stood still… but only a few moments passed….
The nurse returned to our room to get me and Philip.
The Doctor told us Bethany wasn’t going to make it.
They had done all they could do…
They helped me into a wheelchair to go and be with my baby in the neo-natal unit.
The Doctors and Nurses done all they could do but the truth remained…
Our baby was dying!!

Even though I didn’t like it and I wanted it to be so different….
It really seemed as if God Himself spoke to me in that hospital room that night…
He said, “Susan, Trust Me…  This is my will.”
“All things work together for good to those who love Me.”
“Trust Me, Susan…I will never leave you…”
“I love you!!”

I was so anxious to see her again…
I could hardly bare the thought that our time together was just about over.
Inside I was screaming…wait a minute!…wait a minute!…
I do not understand!…
How can this be happening?….

There she is….my sweet baby!
The nurse gently hands her to me…she is so still.
She is wrapped in a soft blanket.
Her heart is still beating…she looks so beautiful.
I know she will soon be in the presence of the God who created her.
I am in awe of the privilege of holding her while she goes from my loving arms into His powerful embrace.

In just a short hour and a half our lives are completely changed….
We arrived at the hospital that morning full of hope and joy at the anticipation of seeing our firstborn baby.
We returned home the following day with broken hearts and many tears knowing, understanding and believing that God had a plan…
In the following days there were times when I wasn’t sure about this plan…

That’s another part of the story…
Stay tuned for the next post…For the “rest of the story”….

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