I Avoided “The Room” When Death Came Calling

Ok… so I avoided the room where all her stuff was…
I went around it.
I didn’t go inside.
I did everything I could to avoid “the room”.
I knew what was there and the reminder was just too painful!

A couple months after our baby died I found myself avoiding the room where we had her pictures, cards and special mementos, the cradle and rocking chair…
Why?

There was a decision that got me through some very rough times of intense grief.
I want to share it with you…

The baby’s room… it feels so empty…
As empty as my arms since my baby died.

But wait….
It’s not really empty…
It only feels as barren as my soul…

The small cradle is still here.
The rocking chair sits quietly in the corner.
The changing table has sleepers, diapers, burp rags, lotion, wet wipes..
Everything is waiting for the baby that did not come home with us…

The changing table has become home to a basket of cards we have received since our baby died.
There are two pictures of Bethany that were taken while she was alive.
I see them laying so quiet and still.
The autopsy report is here.  It doesn’t move.
The pink rose Philip gave me is still here but it is dried up now.
The pictures we took at the funeral home are here…

The only thing missing is our baby…
…………………………and ME!
Yes, I am missing!

It is too painful to come into this room right now…
I avoid this room as if it had the plague!
Yet, I don’t want to put everything away, either!
To put everything away would be like pretending my baby didn’t die!

So….what am I going to do about this?

When our baby died there was a lot of talk about couples who experienced the death of an infant or young child ending up divorced. Click here for 6 tips on avoiding the divorce court!

There was also a lot of talk about joining support groups.
(Here is a link to our support group on Facebook.)

That’s when I made a decision.
At the time I made this decision I had no idea how it would help me through some real tough times.

Not wanting to go into our baby’s room was a tough time!
Your mind can play all kinds of tricks on you and think things that are not even close to the truth as you try to figure it all out.  This decision helped me through all the hard questions that come… the doubts… the turmoil… the questions… the wondering whys…

The decision was simply to accept what it was I was thinking and feeling and work through it.
To not try and figure out why I was thinking or feeling in a certain way because I may not ever know why I was thinking or feeling a certain way.

I did not know until later…actually much later, how making this decision gave me permission to mourn and grieve for my baby…
This decision helped me to keep moving forward because I didn’t have any preconceived ideas or notions on how things needed to look.
This decision helped me to face the reality of what I was thinking and feeling…not live in a dream world acting as if this never happened.

The truth was…  it really hurt to go into the baby’s room…
It didn’t go away for quite awhile….seems like 3-4 months…

As time passed it got a little easier….
What you may find strange is that until now I have not ever shared this decision or experience with anyone other than my husband!!  I didn’t think they would understand.

Grieving is just kinda like that!
It’s a challenge to really share what you are thinking and feeling.
Somehow I felt so vulnerable….
I had no idea how to grieve for my baby!!!
There wasn’t really anyone to talk to who understood….who had walked the same path I was walking.
Hmmm…maybe a support group would’ve been a good idea?!

I’m not sure even now if I would’ve shared this decision with a support group.
Surely they would’ve understood?!
I wanted to share it with you so you can see you are not alone in your grief!
You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings….
Maybe the circumstances are different…but what unites us is the love we have for someone we did not get to keep here as we expected to.
We are united in the fact that we have been touched very deeply by the intensity of grief.

Perhaps your experience has been the death of a spouse of the death of a relationship.
There are a lot of things we grieve about.
I understand what it’s like to grieve for a baby….for something so very precious that the memory lingers on year after year…

Your story is unique… it is yours alone.
No relationship is like any other.
No person is created with the same personality, likes and dislikes and the uniqueness that is YOU.

What is your story?
What are you so very sad about?
Are you ready to talk to someone who will hear what you say and really listen?
Are you ready to heal your broken heart?

You have come to the right place.
I know how to help you heal your broken heart so you can live, love and trust again.
You do not have to suffer in silence anymore because it seems like no one understands.

I am here for you…
Just an email or a phone call away…
Susan.holsinger@gmail.com
765-379-3722

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